Are these red flags too big to ignore? Me(29F) with my partner (35M)

2021.12.09 10:08 gracefulducks92 Are these red flags too big to ignore? Me(29F) with my partner (35M)

I’m coming more and more to the conclusion that there are, in fact, two types of men. The type that hyper focus on beautiful women and sex, and the type that does not. Unpopular opinion.
My boyfriend has never cheated on me (as far as I know) but sometimes I feel weird about the way he acts towards other women. Two things:
1) he looks at women a lot. I feel like when we are out he notices attractive women. It’s gotten to the point that I overly-notice attractive women because my brain is subconsciously scanning for where he will look. He took me out for my birthday last week and two pretty women sat behind us. His eyes darted there back and forth the entire night. Nothing too leery, but still. How did that make me feel? Small. We’ve talked about it before and he thinks it’s harmless and also wants to be in a relationship where he can find another woman hot and not feel like he’s on a leash. In fact, me being upset about this is a “red flag” to him.
Since we’ve been together, I’ve watched how all my male friends and family are when we go out and NONE of them do this. As an example, I was out recently and I said to my guy friend “did you notice x girl?” And he had no idea what I was even talking about. So this idea about all men checking out women seems overstated to me.
I want to be able to relax about it but it really bothers me.
2) we’ve been together for years but lately I’ve been stuck on how things started between us. He was in a crap relationship and texted me while they were still together. I told him to figure his stuff out with her and then we’d talk and we got together a few months later after they broke up. I still wonder how far he would have gone. Some of the texts he sent me in the early days were inappropriate. I never engaged with these texts specifically but I have started to wonder if he would have cheated on her with me. This thought is bothering me a lot lately. I don’t know how to talk about this with him, because it happened years ago and I’m also guilty of engaging with him at that time (I was very lonely then). But I’m stuck on these texts of him low key inviting me over when they were still together. Sigh
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